Girl Crushes

Recently, I watched the entire series of The L Word. I watched all five-and-a-half seasons within a sickeningly short period of time: three weeks. Some would deem this obsessive behavior, but due to my own steep pride, I’m going to call it therapeutic. The first couple seasons were both entertaining and pretty well written, but the series untangled from there. However, once I had invested 24 hours of watching woman-centered relationships and sex within five or so days, I couldn’t stop, so I had to finish the series in what may be record time.

Watching The L Word wakened some feelings and thoughts that had grown dormant in me over the past four or five years. The close-knit strength of female friends, the sheer sexiness of women and how much more invigorating and lush a woman’s sexuality has always been to me than a man’s. I began yearning for my female friends. A, whose friendship has always been there, and who I have lost somewhere in the quick bustle of conventional adult life; L, who lives across the continent but who will always be like my own blood; and all those ladies from college. I also found myself enlivened by the curiosity of romantic relationships that never happened.

In high school, I had two lesbian disappointments, although for the second, I was the one who disappointed her, unquestionably. For the first, other than my regular female spit-swapping pals, J was a shy, awkward gal who worked in a coffee shop. She always wore tight-fitting knit caps, no matter the time of year, and slightly baggie pants with tight t-shirts. I met her, because she worked with a boy I was quite fond of and wanted to know better. As luck would have it, I ended up spending a lot of time with J while the boy worked in the kitchen at the coffee shop. We grew to be good friends; she was caring, attentive, and so very funny. When I let her know of my romantic feelings for her, she informed me that we couldn’t be together because of some situation with one of her female friends and one of my male friends. Whereas I felt that our friends’ problems shouldn’t dictate us, I also respected her love and respect for her friend and chose to free my romantic feelings and continue with our friendship.

Later in high school, when I had emerged from a difficult time of a school acquaintance’s suicide, sexual assault, and drugs, L came into my life. I don’t even recall where we met but we had a mutual friend, and we both frequented punk shows at some of the classic punk venues in New Orleans at the time - The Ark, State Palace, and Movie Pitchers. I knew L had such a crush on me and one that I shared, and this showered me with new possibilities. Particularly when one evening, she kissed me, not just an adolescent kiss that happens when kids just want to make out. This was a real kiss, kind yet passionate. I had the smallest twin bed pressed underneath a big window, and L was sleeping over for the first time on blankets on the floor. The lights were out, and suddenly, her hands were gripping my side. After being stunned since I’d never been in such a strangely innocent and sexual moment with another girl, I turned toward her. She climbed into bed with me, her hands lightly on my belly, and we kissed. Nothing more happened, save for sharing the moment, silent, still, and together. The next day felt awkward for me, and when I found out L was telling people I was her girlfriend, I must have panicked. I didn’t know what I wanted, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have really known what to do about it. I’m sure L sensed my confusion, and over time, the crush unraveled, and we were just two marvelously close friends.

In college, after dating a few guys, I developed a monstrous crush on a female classmate in my Writing Gender class. The class itself was exciting, and to accompany the gender-bending theories we were reading was my first girl crush in a long time. Strong, intelligent, and gorgeous, I couldn’t help but be drawn to M. Our circles started overlapping, and it came to the point when we had to discuss her situation, which was quite fragile. She had been seeing a woman who had never been with a woman before, and this woman needed stability – she needed M’s commitment. So, M gave it to her, albeit at the expense of anything between us. Shortly thereafter, I found B – strong, focused, and everything that my past failed relationships were not and everything that I wanted – and my heterosexual monogamy began again.